Days in and out: A precautionary tale

When you go on holiday with your family, you must remember a lot of things; like clothes, route planning, enough sedatives to guarantee either a good night’s sleep OR you get some peace and quiet from the kids in the evening, and most of all…PATIENCE!


So, the seaside is the go-to destination for a lot of families who want to have fun, sea some wildlife beach bums, bikini mistakes and those must-see people on the beach…THE LOBSTERS!

I ‘lobster’ as soon as the sun comes out, being faired skinned I have to bathe in sun cream and hope I haven’t missed any part of my body; because the sun will not only search out and find it, it will also burn it bright read making sure I have no chance to relax!

So that’s me – I resemble a traffic cone – only mobile.

Now, being able to get into town is great, but when the sun comes out peoples’ ability to park safely and sensibly seems to hide from the sun like I have to. I have seen such wonders as – cars parked ON junctions, up on curbs, and half-way into the sea or leaning precariously over the pier! All because “the sun got in my eyes” , or they “want to be near the sea”.

I drive around town looking for a parking space hoping that if I DO find a space, I won’t get some “numpty” park their car right up behind mine subsequently preventing my wife from getting the wheelchair in/out of the car. So I am now looking to purchase a “please leave space for a wheelchair” sticker for the back window, so when people do park right behind me I can damage their car getting my boot open, and when they shout and scream at me I can smile and mutely point at the sticker as if to say “You were WARNED!”

Of course, I wouldn’t actually damage any vehicles, because that is a criminal offence, but you get the drift.


Now to head for the amusements or the pier, so that the kids can have some fun and the wife and I can sit back with a coffee, watching the kids go round and round on the rides (whilst hoping they won’t get off and throw up all over the place)

All the while I am attempting to take photos or videos of them – yes attempt.

Why? Because people SEE me taking snaps or videos, yet they still walk in front of me, staring at me as they do! Argh! Why do they stare at me with a gormless ‘what’s your problem?’ look on their face when you ask them to step aside? I mean REALLY? Like it’s MY fault you completely blocked my view of my kids? [insert suitable expletive].


Now, I am absolutely positive that there is a chemical released into the air that makes all kids crave burgers and candy floss like they haven’t eaten in 3 years, and also NEED said food like people who park badly need an injection of common sense! Anyway, candy floss supplied, burger surgically attached, drink lodged in cup holder cable-tied to my wheelchair (thus making yours truly a shopping trolley-come-mobile rucksack for the day) and off they trot for their next ride with the same enthusiasm they should display when we TELL them to behave, but of course never do!

Kids – “Dad?”
Me – ”Yes?” (I ask with a sense of unease and some serious trepidation)
Kids – ”We’re hungry!”

WTF? AGAIN? They just ate an entire cow that had been flash-fried and enough french fries to fill a large container ship sailing on a sea of fizzy pop and fruit juices, and packed with enough sugar “ice-bergs” to sink the damned thing! Ice cream, rock, candy floss, sweets, burgers, hot dogs, and all we want to do is buy one of the MASSIVE rock sweets shaped like a babies’ dummy, HOPING it will keep them quiet for a precious few seconds whilst we attempt to martial our sanity and patience enough to NOT kill them before the day is out!

Gawd forbid we announce it’s time to go home…the fall out from that is enough to provide enough energy to keep the entire seaside town operating for a week without a single power cut, but then, we’re used to it, and we find that this is expected behaviour from our girls (both being on the Autism Spectrum) and our “handling mechanism” is to go either stone-like and unmoving or intentionally deaf!

Still, as it’s time to go home, and half the rides are being closed, the hint has been given, but our kids aren’t too good at taking hints, and the more direct approach is needed

Dragging them screaming and kicking up the hill from the pier to the car and trying to put them on board WITHOUT injury to us…the kids will be fine, but we will be emotionally scarred for life, simply ‘cos we are knackered and need a break!

Bed time is much the same, with slight changes in pleading and good behaviour promises, but, like I said BED TIME for all…